Jayfeather's New Job
by Wolfstorm7
Summary: What do you do when you've got heaps and heaps of cats who are just so in love with you? You become a pimp, of course.


I don't know how or why I spat this up, when I promised myself I would only write fics with substance. But, too late! My shoulder devil has enslaved me once again! So, sit back, and thoroughly enjoy.

Contains basic idiocy.

* * *

Jayfeather was walking through the woods, collecting some herbs. He felt a strange prickling sensation on the back of his neck. He sniffed the air, and then went back to tediously padding along the path.

"Hello, Jayfeather," meowed a voice from nearby.

He smelled the cat. She smelled like lemons and mouse whiskers and bumblebees. The scent of a cripple.

"Briarlight, how'd you get out here?"

"I dragged myself," she meowed.

"And what are you doing in those bushes?"

"I'm… enjoying them. Don't you think these bushes are worth enjoying on a beautiful day like today?"

"Yes," he meowed. "They're very… bushy."

He started to pad away, having lost interest in Briarlight and her bushy bushes, but she called out to him, "Jayfeather!"

He sighed and turned. "Yes?"

She suddenly sounded on the verge of a paralytic collapse. "I have to talk to you."

"About what?"

"Us," she meowed.

"Okay?"

"No, you know what I mean. _Us_."

He really was confused. He tried to dive into her mind, but like usual, it was cluttered with bunnies and moss, which he dug through to try to find something worth his time. He saw a picture of him. He saw a giant flashing sign above his picture that read, "SEX."

He resurfaced. "Am I missing something…?"

"Jayfeather," she purred horridly, "I think I'm in love with you."

"Oh," he meowed. "Okay."

"Well?"

He flicked his tail. "I don't know."

"Just tell me how you feel, just say that you love me, please-"

A loud screech echoed through the scrub, and Jayfeather felt a thud shake the ground. Some cat had just tackled Briarlight!

"You bitch!" cried the cat. "You've ruined everything!"

"Willowshine!" Jayfeather took a step forwards. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to tell you that I love you!" she screeched while slamming Briarlight's muzzle into the ground.

"Are you serious?"

"Yes!" she wailed. "I can't hold in my feelings any longer!"

"But you're a medicine cat!"

She clawed Briarlight's back and then threw Briarlight into the bushes. "If I wasn't, I wouldn't have been able to meet you! Don't you feel the tension, every time we meet? When we lie side by side at the Moonpool, don't you feel the _love_?"

"Actually, no, I'm usually _asleep_."

She fell silent.

"You know that's what we're supposed to do when we go there, right?"

He could feel her thinking. "Ohhh," she finally meowed.

"Jayfeather!" squealed Briarlight from the bushes. Willowshine smacked her.

"He loves me!" Willowshine cried.

"What about me?" two other voices cried from opposite sides of the clearing. A sweet-smelling she-cat padded in from one side, and a ghostly she-cat padded in from the other. Jayfeather's brain split down the center as he tried to figure it out.

"Cinderheart? Half Moon?"

"I love you, Jayfeather!" yowled Cinderheart in Jayfeather's ear.

"I'm blind, not deaf," Jayfeather snarled.

"Sorry," she whispered. "I get those confused sometimes."

He turned to Half Moon, who waited patiently by his side. "I suppose you're going to declare your love to me as well?"

"I don't have to; you already promised to wait for me forever."

"Jay, you didn't!" screamed Willowshine, joined by shrieks of outrage from Briarlight and Cinderheart.

"He did!" Half Moon turned her ethereal rump towards the other she-cats and raised her tail. Before she could turn around, they leapt towards her with unsheathed claws.

"Ladies, ladies," meowed Jayfeather.

They froze in the air, swooned as one, fell to the ground, and all replied, "Yes?"

"I'm not going to love any one of you. I'm a medicine cat. I must stay faithful to my Clan only!"

"But we want you," they meowed. "We want you so much! We want your gray fur, your delicate paws, and your beautiful eyes."

"You've got to be kidding me," muttered Jayfeather.

"What we want, most of all, is to explore that place untouched by love. We know it's there, we know it's large, and we know what it's capable of."

"I touched it," bragged Half Moon. "It was magnificent."

"What… exactly… are we talking about?" asked Jayfeather.

"Your HEART!" they chorused, except for Briarlight, who purred "Your tomhood!"

Willowshine slapped Briarlight across the muzzle. "Great StarClan! We weren't going to say that! You're such a little slut!"

"Look who's talking," Half Moon mewed caustically. "Hey, aren't you a medicine cat, from a different Clan?"

"Aren't you _dead_?"

"Kinky!" interjected Cinderheart.

"It's a technicality."

"WHY?" growled Jayfeather. The she-cats stopped quarreling and turned towards him, confusion sliding off their pelts like dead fish sliding off a Vaseline-covered pregnancy ball.

"Why what?" asked Half Moon.

"Why would you all be in love with me? Is it because I'm a cripple? Are you all just really ugly, and think that since I can't see you, I'll take you?"

"I love you... because I love you," meowed Cinderheart.

"That is a BAD answer."

"It's because you're so… so… nice."

The other she-cats nodded in approbation, and Cinderheart continued, becoming more confident. "You're gentle. You're patient. When I broke my leg, you swam with me every day until I was well-"

"Did he look hot when he was wet?" asked Briarlight.

Cinderheart smirked. "Like a god."

"SACRILIGOUS!" shrieked Jayfeather, fire erupting around him. Then the fire disappeared. "Sorry, sorry."

Cinderheart gave him the eyebrow raise, realized he couldn't see it, and stepped on his toes instead. She continued, "Devoted, curt, strong, _brooding_…"

"That's a good word," mewed Willowshine.

"Thank you."

"Can it be my turn now?"

"I suppose."

"I love him because he's mysterious," Willowshine meowed. "And he pretends to be so tough, but inside he's really just a big squishy pile of… of… squish."

"Poetic," smirked Half Moon.

"Shut it, dead cat!"

"Let me tell you something," meowed Half Moon to Willowshine, "I've been around for so long that I saw your great-great-great-great-great grandfather born. And let me tell you something else: He was ugly. Just like you."

As Willowshine started to cry, Briarlight pointed out to Half Moon that she really was too old for Jayfeather.

Half Moon pointed her tail at Cinderheart. "Well, tell your friend here that! She was best friends with his mom!"

"Kinky!" meowed the Cinderheart.

Willowshine leaned over to whisper in Cinderheart's ear. "Hon, she's talking about _you_."

"Aw, shucks."

"So what I'm taking from all of this is that you all love me because I'm blind," Jayfeather meowed, turning away from the drama, only to find a cat standing next to him. "Breezepelt? Why are you here?"

"I love you!"

Jayfeather snarled, "You've got to be &*#$ing kidding me."

"Actually, yes, in a way," meowed Breezepelt. "The rabid fangirls paid me to say that." He looked at the sky. "Can I leave now?"

"NO," said the rabid fangirls. "MAKE BABIES. NOW."

"I can't! For many reasons! And it's wrong because we're brothers!"

"Half-brothers," corrected Jayfeather.

"Don't _help_ them!" spat Breezepelt.

"Make babie-!" Cinderheart began to squeal before Willowshine bitch-slapped her and threw her into the bush.

"Hello Cinderheart," meowed Briarlight, who was also in the bush. "This is a very nice bush."

"Why, yes, it is. It's very bushy."

"I can't be with any of you!" Jayfeather yowled, stunning everyone into silence. He had that habit. "I'm a medicine cat! And also, I can't choose just one of you! Briarlight, you're nice, but you're kind of gimpy. Willowshine, you smell like fish, which is really turning me off, and Cinderheart, you… you just kinda creep me out." He turned to Half Moon. "And you; meet me later in my den."

"I WIN!" yowled Half Moon.

"It's not a contest!"

"What if we share you?" Cinderheart pleaded in a last-ditch effort. The other mortal she-cats caught on quickly.

"I'm good for that," meowed Willowshine.

"All at the same time," suggested Briarlight, slobbering and panting.

Jayfeather backed up. "No thank you."

This made Breezepelt scoff. "Dude, seriously? I'd do it, if I were you." He stared incredulously at the medicine cat. "Are you gay?"

"No, I'm just blind."

"I get those confused sometimes," admitted Cinderheart quietly. Briarlight patted her back.

"It's okay, honey. We cripples all have our moments."

"Please take us," Willowshine pleaded.

"Would you do anything for me?"

"Of course," they meowed, even Breezepelt, who had just been bribed a thousand dollars by an extremely horny fangirl.

"Well then. I want you to do this for me." Jayfeather jumped on top of a stump. "GET YOUR SHE-CATS HERE, NICE AND FRESH."

In a few seconds the stump was swarmed with toms, from Clans and from the TwoLeg Place. "Where are they?" growled Mousewhisker.

"In that bush."

And that was how Jayfeather became a pimp. The end.

Actually, no. Kidding. There's still more to the story.

* * *

Jayfeather laid down to rest in his cozy den, in his zebra-striped suit, smoking a cigar, all alone, just how he liked it. Briarlight was finally gone. Good riddance. So was Cinderheart. She'd hardly be missed, except by Lionblaze, who was at the moment busy trying to stab thorns into his eyes. (Being blind was _in_, baby. It was _hot_.) And Jayfeather didn't even know about Willowshine. She was in RiverClan, and that meant she was fat. So.

Of course, Breezepelt had been taken by the toms too, despite his protests, and this made Jayfeather chuckle.

He heard a voice, and saw a sparkling cat pad into his den. Another dream.

"I'm back."

"Aw, hello, Half Moon."

"You said you'd wait for me," she mewed.

"Well, to wait for you I have to wait for my _death_."

"Can't you just speed it up… you know?"

"Sure. Hang on, let me just go tell Brambleclaw that he looks like Tigerstar. I'll be back in a moment."

"Don't try to be funny."

"Sorry."

"I've been having these dreams about you," she meowed.

"Well, that's where we meet each other. We're in one right now. That's why I can see you."

"No," she purred. "Really vivid dreams." She moved way too close into his personal bubble, which was roughly the size of an elephant testicle. Jayfeather thought this was a very disgusting comparison but Briarlight would have thought it very clever. "You know what I mean."

He tried to read her mind, but being dead, her brain was delightfully jumbled and distorted. It was almost a mystery.

"I love you," she purred, swirling around him. "Don't you love me? We could try to have some fun while you wait."

He smelled something coming from above them. Something extremely flowery. The flowery scent always gave Spottedleaf away. She would make for a terrible stalker.

Spottedleaf floated down on a pink cloud right behind Half Moon, holding a sign that read: ABSTINENCE. IT MAKES YOU SEXY.

Jayfeather nodded slowly. Spottedleaf floated up and away, trailing rainbows and flowers and bunnies.

"What are you looking at?" Half Moon asked.

Jayfeather pushed Half Moon away gently. "Sorry, but I'm doomed to be a virgin until I die."

"Why? Are you serious?"

"I don't want to get herpes. You know that blind toms are very susceptible to it."

Her face grew ugly. "Oh, screw you! I've waited _hundreds_ of moons for you, and this is how you treat me? I'm going to go have some fun." She padded out of his den.

"Tell them that 'Jay-D-Daddy' sent you!" he called after her. She raised her tail at him.

"Well, that went well." He took his precious stick out from its hiding spot in the rock wall. "Now, Sticky Stick, we are finally alone."

"I HEARD THERE WAS A PARTY," yowled Yellowfang, who was falling out of the sky. "DID I MISS IT."

* * *

Jayfeather: And that, kids, is the story of how I became a pimp.


End file.
